Sunday January 21, 2001
Narrator:We are taking a break from the usual narrative today. Shove your complaints right here in the end of this plasma cannon, beacuse it's time for some schooling.
Sign:Schlock MercenaryProudly PresentsCIRCUMSTANTIAL ETIQUETTE
Narrator:Or "what to do in those situations that Ann Landers and Martha Stewart just cannot prepare you for"
Schlock:Oooh... Free-falling attorneys. Time for some target practice.
Narrator:Suppose for instance, that you are carrying someone in your mouth. Please remember, the well-mannered will always avoid salivating on their passengers!
Massey:AAGH! Stop drooling!
Schlock:Sorry. What was I thinking?
Narrator:Or consider this: The fact that your progeny is more intelligent than your friends are is no excuse for introducing her that way.
Ennesby:Thurl, this is Lunesby. She's been self-aware for less than 20 minutes, and is already ovr a hundred times more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Thurl:Through no fault of yours, I'm sure.
Narrator:This one should be obvious: Always check your passenger's restraints before using your propulsion system as a weapon
Massey:AAAIIEE! Just land! Please?
Schlock:I said hold STILL! You're seriously fouling my aim.
Narrator:After surviving a dramatic incident in a public place, be sure to say something clever.
Brad:Sorry to, uh... drop in unexpectedly.
Narrator:Cleverer than that, please.
Narrator:When plummeting to your doom, be sure to shout a warning, so that you do not plummet onto the doom of others.
Sign:Interglactic Health Care
Narrator:Finally, when negotiating benefits with your insurance provider, try not to offer to tear him a new pre-existing condition.
Narrator:Tommorow, back to our story. We promise...