Sunday January 21, 2001


On Monday I promised that only three individuals would hit, and that two of them would die. The strip may not make clear the fact that of the 15 attorney drones who fell out of the Shirt Pin (and for the sake of argument, we'll call them individuals, because while they share a consciousness with the mighty hive-mind of the Collective, there is a tiny element of individuality in their puny little hindbrains), 13 of them were vaporized by Corporal Schlock. If Massey had held still a little better, the remaining two would also have been vaporized, and Brad would not have been knocked down by them.

Brad, of course, is fine, but he feels pretty stupid. He'll be walking through the Wash'n'go on his way back to the ship.

Book 1: The Tub of Happiness
Bureaucracy Bountiful

Transcript

Narrator:We are taking a break from the usual narrative today. Shove your complaints right here in the end of this plasma cannon, beacuse it's time for some schooling.
Sign:Schlock MercenaryProudly PresentsCIRCUMSTANTIAL ETIQUETTE
Narrator:Or "what to do in those situations that Ann Landers and Martha Stewart just cannot prepare you for"
Schlock:Oooh... Free-falling attorneys. Time for some target practice.
Narrator:Suppose for instance, that you are carrying someone in your mouth. Please remember, the well-mannered will always avoid salivating on their passengers!
Massey:AAGH! Stop drooling!
Schlock:Sorry. What was I thinking?
Narrator:Or consider this: The fact that your progeny is more intelligent than your friends are is no excuse for introducing her that way.
Ennesby:Thurl, this is Lunesby. She's been self-aware for less than 20 minutes, and is already ovr a hundred times more intelligent than you could ever hope to be.
Thurl:Through no fault of yours, I'm sure.
Lunesby:
Narrator:This one should be obvious: Always check your passenger's restraints before using your propulsion system as a weapon
SFX:THOOOM
Massey:AAAIIEE! Just land! Please?
SFX:THOOOM
SFX:THOOOM
Schlock:I said hold STILL! You're seriously fouling my aim.
SFX:WHAM
Narrator:After surviving a dramatic incident in a public place, be sure to say something clever.
Brad:Sorry to, uh... drop in unexpectedly.
Narrator:Cleverer than that, please.
Narrator:When plummeting to your doom, be sure to shout a warning, so that you do not plummet onto the doom of others.
SFX:SHPLAT
SFX:SHPLORT
Sign:Interglactic Health Care
Narrator:Finally, when negotiating benefits with your insurance provider, try not to offer to tear him a new pre-existing condition.
Breya:
Bunni:
Narrator:Tommorow, back to our story. We promise...