January 01, 2002

entry, January 1st 2001 2002: Happy New Year!

Those of you making resolutions at this time should keep a couple of things in mind: First, diet centers and gyms make loads of money at this time of year by selling discounted memberships, knowing full well that most people will stop dieting or going to the gym sometime in mid-February. Depending on your willpower, you can take these people for a ride, or you can get taken. You pick.

Secondly, you should rejoice in the fact that part of the human condition is the ability to change. They say that you are what you eat: I say that more accurately, you are what you think. Think about changing, and you can. Don't get discouraged because you binged a day away from the diet, or missed a day at the gym, or slipped back into procrastinatorial behaviors, or whatever. Always remember that if you really want to do (or not do) whatever you've resolved, you can. As long as you're being moderately realistic, you'll reach whatever you've resolved to.

Okay, enough of the motivational crap. My resolutions for the year:

  1. Lose 30 pounds of fat, and gain 60 pounds of muscle. By this time next year, I'll look like a sculpted Adonis, only with less hair and more clothing. I'll compete in the local semi-pro body-building circuit and place at least third.
  2. Crank the Schlock Buffer up to 365 days, publish three Schlock books, and begin living entirely off of the merchandising of Schlock Mercenary.
  3. Take over the world. First stop: Schlock fans in jack-boots help me take over France. Make France super-friendly to American tourists, and begin infecting the foolish Americans with mind-controlling cheese bacteriums. (At some point I'll need someone to help me develop these bacteriums. Volunteers?)

Looking at the above list, I'd say that it's time for me to get busy. Or maybe get medicated.