November 22, 2001

Happy Thanksgiving, Schlockers everywhere!

Wednesday evening at the grocery store I figured out what I'm thankful for. See, in the wake of the September 11th attacks, we've seen a lot of war and suffering and stuff in the news. And right now the United States is waging a war, whether you happen to agree with it or not, in an effort to ensure that the kind of things that happened on September 11th don't happen here again.

Whether or not you agree with what's going on (and I'm not going to be so bold as to state my actual position on the matter, because I'm just an amateur humorist, and am therefore not worthy to generate insightful commentary on current events) you have to agree with my opinion regarding my trip to the grocery store.

(Yes, you HAVE to.)

See, there was plenty of stuff. Lots of food. No shortage. And in my opinion, that's something to be thankful for. There are places in the world right now where a single apple of any breed would be considered heaven-sent, and yet I was presented with four different choices of apples, all of which were very shiny. Naturally, I chose the apples that were closest to the package of caramel, which was also shiny. Oh, sure, some of you are going to argue about the benefits of organically grown apples, and the evils of grocery-store fruit-shining boys who certainly use wax, saliva, and pig entrails to get that shine, but I'm here to tell you that THERE WERE APPLES ENOUGH FOR EVERYONE SO SHUT UP AND BE THANKFUL FOR THAT.

Now I recognize that not everyone who reads my strip celebrates Thanksgiving. It's an American holiday, after all. To those of you for whom November 22nd is just another Thursday, and to whom this letter seems a little odd, I say "have an apple." In fact, have several. Be thankful for them, regardless of whether or not you have a special holiday encouraging you to count your blessings. Because while you've got a mouthful of apple, it's hard to express an opinion anyone will disagree with. If you CAN, you're not packing the apple in tightly enough. Here... let me help.