Sunday September 19, 2004
Book 6: Resident Mad Scientist — Part I: Primate Principio


Narrator: Fighting has ceased aboard the lobotomized Ob'enn warship Spear of Intoxicating Agony. . . For the moment, anyway.
Ob'enn crewman: We're stalemated, Captain. The boarders seem to want to take us alive, but any time we threaten positions they hold, the "Pretty Dangerous" gravies our decks.
Ob'enn crewman: Our current positions are secure, unless they decide they're willing to kill 90% of us to capture the remaining 10%.
Ob'enn Captain: Well, according to this blinking light, they want to talk to us.
Ob'enn crewman: Talking to a lesser race beats being shot at by them.
Ob'enn Captain: Don't let the Chaplain hear you say that.
Captain Tagon: Noble Ob'enn Warlords! I hail you and your valorous defense of this majestic ship.
Captain Tagon: I am Lord Hierarch Marshall Jefferson Reagan, Primate Principo of The Alliance of Sophonts.
Narrator: No, he's Captain Kaff Tagon, majority shareholder of "Tagon's Toughs."
Captain Tagon: My fellow Hierarchs and I are now prepared to dictate the generous terms of your surrender.
Narrator: Those gussied-up creatures around him trying not to giggle at his unaccustomed usage of the word "primate" are his mercenary troops.
Captain Tagon: The terms are simple. One officer of your choosing will be allowed to return to your home system of Tause. Every other Ob'enn aboard this vessel will be interned at a prison camp.

If you refuse these terms, or resist after accepting them, we will use gravitics to sweep your decks.

Ob'enn Captain: We accept your terms, but our honor forbids us to attempt no escape from your prison camp.
Captain Tagon: That's to be expected. We look forward to amusing anecdotes concerning your escape attempts.
Captain Tagon: Alliance troops will escort you to transports in bays two and three.
Ob'enn crewman: He's cocky, but he's got a cool cape.
Ob'enn Captain: He can wear whatever he wants with that ship of his.
Narrator: The floating A.I. avatar is Petey, Tagon's current employer, and the muscle behind the gravitic threat.
Petey: Nice work, Tagon. You make a good figurehead.
Captain Tagon: Is that what "Primate Principo" means?
Petey: No, it means "foremost of the regional high clergy."
Captain Tagon: Good, 'cause it sounds like it should mean "First Monkey."
Petey: You'll always be the first monkey in my heart, old friend.