Sunday December 31, 2000
Book 1: The Tub of Happiness — Bureaucracy Bountiful
The story, tenets, and prophecies of The First Church of the Nectaris Licensing Queue came to the author while he was sitting on the toilet. Inspiration strikes, and my bowels are stirred with compunction.


Narrator: Throughout the millenia of human history, religions have arisen from the divine to the diabolical. Their tenets have offered hope, meaning, and guidance to the faithful.
Luna Pedestrian 2: But, what if waiting in this line has no meaning? What if it's all for naught?
Queue Church Priest: Lift up your head and be of good cheer, neighbor. For I say unto you that we are all in this line together, and even as we speak, souls at the head of the queue are being blessed by attendance at the Great Bar of Judgement and License Renewal!
Sign: Stay the Course
Luna Pedestrian 2: But the line is so long! How much longer do we have to wait?
Narrator: Not many license agencies can boast lines long enough to spawn religions. Count your blessings, fair reader.
Sign: Queue-Jumping is a SIN
Queue Church Priest: Some wait longer than others, and some do not stay the course.
Luna Pedestrian 2: You mean they get out of LINE?
Queue Church Priest: They do. And their places are lost forever. They may repent, however, and return to the end of the line.
Queue Church Priest: From such we learn the importance of staying on the straight and narrow queue. Those who go astray may still be saved, but their path back is longer and more arduous than that of the righteous!
Sign: No butts No cuts No coconuts
Queue Church Priest: And now, my child, I think you should learn of the prophecy of the chosen ones. We have been taught that someday there will be a great battle, and that afterward gleaming saviors will bring us all to the Bar of Judgement and License Renewal at once.
Sign: Placard courtesy of "Signs of the Times"
Luna Pedestrian 2: But when will this happen? How long must we wait for these saviors?
Queue Church Priest: I doubt they will come in my lifetime, but still I keep the faith.
Sign: The end is near.
Shep: Awright, people, listen up! The line is being shunted that way. We'll get you all cleared out in a few hours, but you've gotta move.
Queue Church Priest: Oh, rapture! I can see people receiving licenses even now!
Luna Pedestrian 2: Well, thanks for the nice lecture. I'll be moving along now, old man.
Sign: This space for rent
Narrator: Some religions last longer than others.