Sunday November 6, 2005
Book 7: Emperor Pius Dei — Part II: Schlocktoberfest 2005


Narrator: Three days have passed with no further excitement. There is still strife, but it is the legal kind. Lieutenant Massey Reynstein, J.D., Mercenary Attorney, will now settle it.
Massey: I'm pleased to see that the local constabulary has engaged such professional legal services.
Massey: I have several items to serve your clients with. I'd hate to see them improperly represented.
Attorney Drone I: Why is the human smirking?
Attorney Drone II: Because he doesn't know what he is in for.
Narrator: Actually, he knows exactly what the attorney drones are in for.
Massey: We'll begin with a suit for damages. The police owe Captain Hartung a new boat. We're asking for punitive damages as well. It will need to be a bigger boat.
Massey: Next up is a suit for procedural malfeasance, including false arrest, dereliction of duty, excessive force, and incompetence. I like to think of it as the "impersonating a police force" suit. It'll play well on the news.
Attorney Drone II: You threaten our clients with trial by media?
Massey: Why, yes, yes I do. And we're willing to settle out of court on this one. All you need to do is drop all charges against our Lieutenant Commander.
Attorney Drone II: You are a wicked little man, Reynstein.
Massey: I am, and that brings us to my final item. I'd like you to examine this document, in which the mercenary company "Tagon's Toughs" is named an agent of the U.N.S. Superior Court for purposes of administering damages against the Partnership Collective.
Attorney Drone I: This is a little disturbing.
Attorney Drone II: It is also ticking.
Narrator: One small explosion, two open-and-shut case, and one bigger boat later. . .
Captain Hartung: Is it really "pro bono" if a lawyer takes your case in exchange for explosives?
Jo: Do you want to argue legal theory, or do you want to hunt giant squid?