Sunday January 24, 2016
Book 16: Big, Dumb Objects — Part III


NARRATOR: Aboard the mercenary warship Broken Wind...

CDRE TAGON: Petey, this mission is pretty far down the crapper. Let's talk escape clauses.

PETEY: How bad is it?

CDRE TAGON: When we got here, everybody was dead. We haven't found a living soul anywhere.

As "good will" missions go, this one's so far down the crapper it's compost.

PETEY: What about the archive? Have you found it?

CDRE TAGON: You mean the missing horns of the dead?

Those have been amputated, and are still missing.

PETEY: Who said the archive was in F'Sherl-Ganni horns?

CDRE TAGON: Who said it isn't?

Certainly not you.

You pitched this gig as "Show up, be nice, offer assistance, and ask to look at the archives."

CDRE TAGON: In reality, this mission has been "Show up, be horrified, get assistance from a homicide detective, and ask ourselves why we're here."

PETEY: I can see why you're upset.

CDRE TAGON: I misspoke regarding the depth of this crapper-drop. This mission has sunk past compost, and is now being pressed into petroleum under some continental plates.

PETEY: I don't know whose plate tectonics you misappropriated in making that metaphor, but you left out catagenesis and pyrolysis.

CDRE TAGON: This crapper-drop skipped those bits on its way to being stinky, greasy fuel.