Sunday August 26, 2001
Book 1: The Tub of Happiness — Equivocated Prevarication


Tarn Betnetter: Welcome to HN3-FN, the hypernet news network's financial news. I'm Tarn Betnetter. In this hour we'll look at everything from hellish new hyperdrives to the burgeoning baby brontosaurus business.
Sign: HN3fn
Tarn Betnetter: Tonight's lead story, Andreyasn Interstellar/Intragalactic Enterprises announced that they will be open-sourcing their controversial alternative hyperdrive in a move to break the wormgate monopoly.
Tarn Betnetter: The Wormgate Corporation responded immediately, denouncing the teraport as unsafe, untested, unreliable, and impossible to regulate. Shares of Andreyasn I.I.E. (Symbol, ASININE) fell 99.965% in a veritable bloodbath of heavy trading.
Sign: All the news that's ??it to print
Narrator: 21st-Century readers should ascribe the similarity between "wormgates" and "Bill Gates" to simple coincidence.
Tarn Betnetter: In related news, the U.N.S. Security Council announced that it has developed and deployed a system for blocking any teraport activity in populated space.
Jun-Lin: Tarn, it looks like the Golbwerians could learn a thing or two from the U.N.S. - this just in- Golbwerian high command's orbital base was vaporized by a conversion bomb. The Creethlings for sovereignty and expansion took credit for the attack, and announced that they can strike any target at will with teraport-enabled missiles.
Sign: live feed!
Sign: Tonight on HN3 Sports Recap: Luna's qualifying rounds for the Sol-ympic curling team
Jun-Lin: And here's more breaking news. . . Shares in Strohl Munitions are up a hundred-thousand percent with their announcement of a home defense system against teraports.
Tarn Betnetter: Well, I think we'll just wrap things up early. I feel this urge to do a little bit of shopping down at Planet Mercenary, or maybe Guns'r'Us.
Tarn Betnetter: Goodnight, folks!
Sign: HN3fn
Schlock: They're not going to get to the segment on baby brontosauruses, are they.
Kevyn: That's galactic revolution for you.