Narrator:We didn't expect it to be a recurring theme, but it turned out to be. Thus, today we pay homage to a time-honored (for now, anyway) plot device...
Sign:Schlock Mercenary proudly presents Multiple-personality schizophrenia!
Narrator:We begin our tribute with a visit from our phirst multiple-personality schizophrenic, Attorney massey reynstein.
Massey:Our case made it through the courts in record time, Captain. It's a mixed bag, though. I've got good news and bad news.
Tagon:Bad news first. That gives me time to prime my weapons if necessary.
Narrator:Massey is a victim of a vailed attempt at mind control. As a result, he can see the mind of his would-be masters, but they cannot do anything about it.
Massey:The bad news is that although we won, the partnership collective refuses to honor the judgement. We'll probably never see a dime.
Massey:The good news is that the judge was feeling pretty vengeful when she assessed punitive damages. Agents of the courrrt may destroy up to two billion kilocreds in the collective's assets, and that comes out to about one million attorney drones.
Tagon:Tell me how somebody else's revenge is good news for me?
Massey:We've been named as agents of the court. We get a bounty on every attorney we kill.
Tagon:Oh yes. Oh my, oh my, oh yes...
Narrator:While Tagon gloats, let's check in on our second schizoid pair, Doyt and Haban.
DoytHaban:(doyt) It feels good to be armed again. Thanks for giving me my stuff back, admiral.
Narrator:Doyt has had haban living in his head for years, but recently haban was given equal control of the body they share.
DoytHaban:(haban) It's our stuff, Doyt. fifty-fifty, remember? (doyt) Whatever, let's go find the dead doctor and get our bounty, okay?
DoytHaban:(haban) Mmmm... Orbital grave-robbing. Tasty.
Narrator:And finally we come to the latest pair of players: Ennesby and another A.I. duke it out for control of the flying robot head.
Ennesby:You can't destroy the ship over this! You're acting insane!
Petey:That's been indiscreetly pointed out to me several times now.
Narrator:At stake, the fate of all on board the new ship.
Ennesby:You know, just because everybody says you're crazy doesn't mean it's true.Oh, wait. Yes it does.
DoytHaban:(doyt) Hey, Hover-head.(haban) You up for a rematch?
Ennesby:HABAN! Shoot mmmph--
Petey:None of that lip, little one.
Petey:We're on a mission, remember? Getting me control of my ship so I can put myself out of my misery.
DoytHaban:(doyt) Why'd you go and do that, haban?(haban) Call it a hunch.
Narrator:Shoot first, ask questions later. Save the day. Yeah.