Sunday December 19, 2004
Book 6: Resident Mad Scientist — Part III: Life's a Beach


Narrator: "The natives call it Mahuitalotu-Cocobanatuituimaya Bohu, but you'll call it Paradise," or so says the flyer your travel agent handed you. This is misleading.
Narrator: The full name is actually an address. It's the Bohu District of Tuituimaya City on the Cocobana Archipelago on the World of Mahuitalotu and there are no natives for whom those words have actual meanings. The world was terraformed 600 years ago and is on lease from the Wormgate Corporation.
Mahuitalotu Control: Welcome to Mahuitalotu. You're cleared to land at Port Tuituimaya, approach pattern Whiskey Tango Foxtrot. Aloha!
Narrator: It's on lease to a group of wealthy Caucasian human males who thought that Polynesian phonemes might raise the bottom line.
Narrator: Tagon's Tought are on vacation here and will be holding outdoor funeral services for their fallen Captain in a few hours.
Narrator: The casket is empty, of course.
General Tagon: Wow, nice weather they've got here.
Narrator: The Reverend Lieutenant Theo Fobius will conduct the funeral, and apart from the rest of the company, the only guest is General Karl Tagon (retired).
Ennesby: It's fake, but you knew that.
General Tagon: At my age, I fake a lot of things.
Narrator: He's the only invited guest, at any rate.
Ob'enn Grunt II: The hotel schedule says that a funeral for this Captain Tagon is being held this afternoon.
Ob'enn Leader: Perfect. We observe, record, and then determine whom to abduct and interrogate.
Narrator: Have you ever been to an event where, had you known who else was going to be there, you would have decided to stay home? Well, this may turn out to be one of those events.
Banger Leader: Look at that, our assassin's funeral is this afternoon.
Banger Grunt I: The mourning. . . The tears. . .
Banger Grunt II: The target-rich environment. . .
Narrator: It looks like this funeral may have a corpse after all.