Monday January 22, 2001
Book 1: The Tub of Happiness — Bureaucracy Bountiful
Books that teach juggling to beginners often indicate that you should be able to juggle one more ball than the number of hands you are using. Two hands, three balls. One hand, two balls. Amorphs like Corporal Schlock defy this rule of thumb, because they simply add hands until the number of hands equals the number of balls. This is not "juggling." This is called "carrying," and it has a lower entertainment value than juggling does (although I realize that may be difficult to imagine.)

Juggling books also make the joke that being able to juggle one ball is not the test for a good juggler, but for decent telekinesis (one ball means no hands, right? [sadly this is the best joke you'll find in most juggling books, which is why jugglers are jugglers and not humor columnists]). This test also fails to apply to amorphs, because if you throw a ball to an amorph and insist that he/she/it not sprout any hands to deal with it, the amorph will simply eat the ball. This actually has a much higher entertainment value than juggling, and ensures that nobody will be doing any juggling with that ball anytime soon.

The point of all this is that if you'll closely scrutinize the Schlock Mercenary archives, you'll find that Schlock has never before had more than two hands. This is because until now he's never needed more than two hands. In this strip, however, he needed one hand on the plasma cannon, one hand on Massey, and one hand to help him look like a superhero while flying.


Schlock: So, what did the collective want with you?
Massey: They wanted me to help them get to you and your friends. They were forcing their way in to my mind.
Schlock: Wow. What was that like?
Massey: Have you ever been screwed over by an attorney before?
Schlock: Yeah...
Massey: Well, to continue the metaphor, picture a billion attorneys, all bent on violating your mind, like the galaxy's single largest **text obscured**
Narrator: Whups. Sorry about that! We at Schlock Mercenary don't want to trouble the tender minds of our viewers with truly disturbing metaphors like this one. And believe me, you do not want to know where this one was going.
Schlock: **text obscured**
Massey: **text obscured**
Narrator: Suffice it to say that Massey's experience was unpleasant. Now, back to the story.
Schlock: Ugh. Like, over cornflakes?
Massey: Bring your own spoon.
Sign: BAY 15TIER 3