Sunday, October 29, 2000



The twentieth-century reader, mind poisoned by the fantastic science-fiction of television, might wonder why there are so many bullets, and so few blasters, phasers, masers, lasers, light-sabers (sorry, Mr. Lucas) or other futuristic weapons in this sequence.

The fact is, bullets are incredibly versatile. Stunners are often easy to shield against, and on board a space station or space craft heavy energy weapons have an annoying tendency to breach the hull. Bullets, however, are nearly perfect.

Their soft-metal design prevents them from penetrating modern hull materials, while ensuring that they transmit as much of their kinetic energy as possible into the body (soon to be corpse) of the target. Gunfoam propellant casings (invented by Crisco & Wesson in AD 2130) mean no more messy brass bits lying around (or flying into someone's eye--we would not want anyone to get hurt). Really, there are only three drawbacks to using bullets:

  1. They can smash up sensitive electronics
  2. They don't work on good body armor, heavy exoskeletons, or amorphs
  3. They don't just stun people--they kill them.
Well. There are at least two drawbacks. That third is arguably an advantage, since a dead target usually won't try to sue you.

Transcript for Sunday, October 29, 2000
Narrator: There is, in countless variations of the gunslinging mythos, found scattered all over the galaxy, a recurring archetype. It is the "Bullet with your name on it."
Doctor: They've got the Captain! Open Fire!!
Der Trihs: They're shooting in there!
Kevyn: Open fire!!
KFDA commando: We're being attacked! Return fire! Return fire!
Narrator: Hundreds of bullets fly right now: Only one of them has an inscription, written by the hand of destiny.
Narrator: So, while the mercenaries and the foodservice commandos unload clip after clip of ammunition at each other, we will meet this archetypical slug, this chambered round of fate, this ballistic dum-dum of doom. . .
Tagon: Cease fire! Cease fire!!
Narrator: It begins as an ordinary bullet, sitting on a standard gunfoam™ propellant casing.
Schlock: Stop that! It's really annoying!
Narrator: To the naked eye, it is no different than any of the ninety-nine other rounds it was packaged with.
SFX: (Schlock diving) LUNGE
Narrator: But to those with psychic sight, or a really nice UV lamp, it is startlingly, no, frighteningly different.
Schlock: Back at'cha, baby!
Narrator: Fair reader, can you read this psychic inscription? Do you dare scry the bloody hieroglyphs?
Kevyn: Cover!
Breya: Get down! Get do--
SFX: PPHTHUK
Bullet: Yeeehah!
SFX: SMAK
Breya: Get help! They've shot
Narrator: Certainly you saw this coming. . . Now tune in tomorrow.
Online Comics | LDS Singles | Fried Cheese | Utah Warhammer | Utah Comics
Texas Computer Service | CAR-PGa: In Defense of Role-Playing Games | Writing Excuses
October 2000
S M T W T F S
01020304050607
08091011121314
15161718192021
22232425262728
29303101020304
05060708091011
Click here to be randomly teraported into the archives.
Try out the new
Archive Synopsizer.

schlockmercenary.com site and content © 2000-2008, the Tayler Corporation, all rights reserved.
"Plotting to take over the world since 1998"